A neat thing happened last week when I grudgingly decided to update my adoption journal that I have been keeping throughout the past few months of our journey. When we decided to adopt I began keeping track of everything in a little notebook in which I cut and pasted emails, blog posts, pictures, updates, Ghana country facts, and anything and everything that related to the adoption. When we identified Solomon as the child we would adopt, the journal became notes and personal thoughts written specifically to him, just as I wrote to JJ and Jayla in their journals that I kept while I was pregnant. Since we found out that Solomon’s family was keeping him, I could not bring myself to even want to write in the journal. But, after a few weeks went by I felt like I needed to update it and I also wanted to let my mind and heart write out some things so that I could try and move on. I opened up the journal and taped down a few emails about the ‘unexpected news’ and also printed off and taped down my blog post about it. Then I began to write a few things….and then the neatest thing happened. I realized that I had come to an inserted page break in the journal….you know, one of those thick pieces with a tab on the side that is intended to separate different subjects in a notebook... When I realized I had come to this exact point in my journal at this exact point in our journey it was almost like I could breathe….in my mind I thought, ‘okay, look at all that you have recorded in this journal, and….look at all those empty pages ahead. Now, pause, take a breath, and flip the page into a new chapter in this amazing journey.’ Maybe I am trying to make something too significant out of something as insignificant as a tabbed piece of paper, but, let me tell you, it felt good to take a deep breath, and envision flipping that page into whatever will be next. I am not saying that God won’t close the door on this completely…He surely might, and if He does, then, we will listen. But, these past few days I have undoubtedly felt little glimmers of my excitement about adoption rising up again. I felt it when I saw the chapter break in my journal. I felt it last night at church when they shared an update on the Zambian orphans at our church’s Hope Children’s Center in Africa. I felt it last night when I got home and Jake said that he had googled orphans available for adoption in Ghana for an hour at the office. And, I felt it with tears in my eyes as I stared at the sweet faces of little boys and girls Jake found on Google….faces of children left without parents in a country that I have never been to, living in poverty that I have never seen, and facing everyday struggles that I have never faced. Yes, I felt it….that excitement is rising again….excitement to see where God leads this all, excitement of wondering who our 3rd child is to be, and excitement of the unknown.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.