Reflecting

Before we adopted I felt like Jake and I sort of had a picture-perfect life. We had a little boy and a little girl, a beautiful house, money in the bank, Jake had a steady job, and I got to stay home with my loves which was something that had always been in my heart. Everything seemed so perfect. I enjoyed stability, control, and the peace of mind in laying my head down on my pillow at night feeling like everything was taken care of. I felt safe, secure, comfortable, and blessed.

Then Jake parted with his business partner and started his own basketball program/business.

Then we started the adoption process and watched our savings account go out the window.

Then we added a host student to our family.

Then we added Sam to our family.

Then one host student left and we added another.

Then we put our house up for sale.

Then our adoption finished out and Justice was here.

Somewhere in that jumble of events my bubble was popped burst smashed. I no longer felt control over….anything. My emotions were stretched to the limit, every day seemed like a crazy mess of sorting through schedules and who has what and trying to get kids to this event and that, I felt like I was on a roller coaster trying to attend to everyone’s emotions and need for attention. Every trip to the grocery store would give me a gut wrenching stomach ache as I wondered how much I would spend for a week’s worth of food. Every purchase had to be strategized and planned for. There were devotionals to plan, meals to cook, loads of laundry to do, homework to help with, heart-to-heart talks to be had, to-do lists racing through my head, children to train up, date-nights that needed to be planned out weeks in advance, quality alone time that I somehow needed to find with each of my kids, and many things that seemed so important had to be put on the back burner….like returning emails!

But through all of that, something wonderful happened. As hard as the last year was, as I reflect on all that God did in our lives through bringing outsiders in and making them part of our family, I can only smile and cry tears of joy. I can now see the pure growth that God did in me through that time. Last week I recalled when I blogged this. Most of the time it really did feel like I was running and not getting anywhere! But in my case, this ended up being a good type of getting no where. Because God had to teach me to give up control over my life. God had to wean me away from depending on my own means of gaining security, control, and stability in order for me to find that my security can only rest in Him alone. In Francis Chan’s book The Forgotten God he says this: From my own experience, I have felt closest to God when nearness to Him was a necessity. He goes on to say And like our Savior, who poured out His life and blood so we have reason to rejoice, we were made to lay down our lives and give until it hurts. We are most alive when we are loving and actively giving of ourselves because we were made to do these things. It is when we live like this that the Spirit of God moves and acts in and through us in ways that on our own we are not capable of.

The most alive. Yes, that’s how I feel about the last year. Physically I was exhausted. Mentally I often couldn’t even grasp what was going on most days. But spiritually, I was growing because I was forced to depend on God, moment by moment. And as many times as I desired to have my sense of control back, there was something so thrilling and peaceful about allowing God to write the story of my life instead of me. It’s funny how money, time and stability fade in value when you experience the fullness of investing in a human life. And funny how the values I wanted to teach my kids have been expressed and modeled better in a chaotic and sacrificial life than the stable and comfortable one I had longed to set up for them even before they were born.

The other day before Sam & Peprah had gone someone said to me, “I don’t know how you do it…keeping track of all these kids.” Immediately what came out of my mouth was “I don’t know either!” But I do know. Through the Holy Spirit, God has supernaturally given me the ability to serve the people that He has placed in my life. I wish I would have told that lady that it really has nothing to do with me and my ability. But it has everything to do with God’s power alive in me and working through me. I was not capable of doing any of those things on my own. I had to depend on God for everything. And I’ve grown closer to Him because of it. It seems that chapter in our life has closed now. But my heart is now OPEN to serving my God in this way….a year ago it wasn’t. And that’s what makes me cry out to God each morning in prayer saying “That was such a hard time in my life, but DO IT AGAIN LORD! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!” :)