How's It Going?

How’s it going having Sam with you? That is the question coming up a lot these days.

Well, in simple words, it’s been an adjustment. For all of us. In speaking for myself, I feel like there is A LOT being demanded of me right now. A LOT. I have a goal. It is that I will learn how to thrive in a demanding environment. Right now I feel like I am surviving a demanding environment. Have I mentioned that I am a planner? And, Sam coming to us was so very unplanned and I think that’s why I feel like I am running and running and running, but not getting anywhere. I actually have dreams like that. That I am running extremely hard and not moving anywhere. It is being brought to light that my personality doesn’t function well without planning. We ‘planned’ both of JJ and Jayla’s pregnancies. I read books and books and books and had plenty of time with both pregnancies to emotionally enter in, do some nesting, get advice from veteran friends, and ‘get ready’ for what was to come. Of course things didn’t always go quite how I thought they would when I actually had a live infant staring me in the face, but I had a plan. And, when things went differently than I expected, I adjusted. But I felt very prepared. With our adoption I have had over 1 ½ years of God preparing me emotionally, countless hours of immersing myself in adoption literature, and many days on my knees praying earnestly that God would prepare our family for our new son to come.

However, with Sam he was literally not here one day, and then here the next. I did not plan or prepare for a 5th grader to come into our family. And so, I am learning as I go. This has been one of the hardest things for me. When I say ‘learning as I go’ it means that I have also had to let go of my tight grip on my need for control. When you are a ‘planner’ sometimes that means you are also a ‘control freak’. Ahem. At least with this planner anyways. Sam coming into our family has been like someone putting a mirror in front of me. And I’m talking about those mirrors in the movie theater bathroom with that bright, harsh light that reveals every single imperfection that you have. Yeah, that kind of mirror. And, it really has nothing to do with Sam. But everything to do with the daily demands of emotionally, physically, and practically caring for 4 others with every ounce of strength, every ounce of wisdom, and every ounce of energy molecule I have in my body. And, I am coming up short. And I know why. Because this is the only way that God could possibly teach me to rely on HIM. Fully. All in. Letting Him work through me. Letting Him be my source of strength, my source of wisdom, my source of joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, . You see, I am not competent to carry out what God has called me to do in my own strength. It is clear to me what He has called our family to. And, I have heard the call, and tried to do it on my own. And it is not working. Most days I fail by 9am. Sometimes I even make it to 9:30am without yelling at my kids, feeling completely disheveled, feeling guilty that another day went by without me sitting down to do preschool curriculum with JJ, wondering how I am going to make a birthday special for a 2 year old and a graduation special for a 19 year old, wondering how I am going to get an upcoming trip to Africa planned and prepared for, do the laundry, clean the house, talk to a 10 year old about God, keep my eyes awake for nighttime devotionals, keep faithful instruction on my tongue when my red-heads are constantly fighting each other, help a 10-year old know how to handle a situation at school, have meaningful interaction time with my children, get my bible study done for the week, be a shuttle bus, read the Bible to my kids, read the Bible myself, pray, teach my children how to be responsible and respectful without nagging them, plan meals, be a friend to my friends, and a wife to my husband. And that’s just what I thought of off the top of my head. I could think of many more responsibilities and ways I am coming up short on them if you give me another 30 seconds. But now, when the demands outweigh my abilities, this is when I learn how to rely on God. My mind says, This is too much. 4 kids? You are 27 years old! You are too young and inexperienced. You don’t know what you are doing. You are not equipped. Your personality does not mesh with this. How can you do all of this? And Jesus tells me: You are right. You can’t do this. But I can. Let me work through you in the work that I have called you to. Stop trying to do this on your own. Rely on me and this will all go much better. That would be the JCS (JanelChristineSullivan) translation of this verse:

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:4-5)

And that’s how it’s going.

Lord, help me to be a good mom. I fully realize that I don’t have what it takes to be one without Your help. Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things. Take my old emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protective stance, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. Take the hardness of my heart and break down the walls with your battering ram of revelation. Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace and joy (Galatians 5:22,23). I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment. Only You can transform me. Amen.
(prayer from Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian)