Guest Post on Foster Care ~ A New Beginning

Over the past year and a half I have asked my friend Jenna to write a progression of blog posts detailing what her and her husband’s experience of being newly licensed foster care parents has looked like. Today I get to share an exciting ending/new beginning within their journey. If you need to get caught up to speed, you can read Jenna’s first two posts HERE and HERE.

And now the latest, in Jenna’s words….

Janel asked me to write a finale, so to speak, on our foster care experience so far and in particular the first 2 kids we had. Shortly after I had written the last blog post, the State of Iowa filed to have their parents’ rights terminated (5 kids/siblings total). In the fall of 2012 we went to court and it was very obvious to everyone involved that the best choice for the kids was to have rights terminated and to be adopted by new families. So after some appeals, in January 2013 the termination was fully granted on all 5 kids, including “A” who we still had with us. So at this point we had to make the decision whether or not to make her a part of our forever family. It really wasn’t much of a choice for us as God had clearly woven her into our family already and she was already starting to call us Mom and Dad. We did spend time praying about this, making sure this was the right choice for her and for us and ultimately it was. So we proceeded with the adoption of “A”!

I had written previously that “J” had moved on to another foster home to be with the oldest brother of the siblings. He and the oldest brother will be adopted by that family on May 8th of this year. He continues to have the hardest time of all the kids, but he is finally working through a lot of the struggles and his new foster mom has been amazing for him and to him. We still get to see him whenever we want and have a great relationship with his new mom to be.

When you decide you want to adopt there is a lot of paperwork involved. One of the papers we had to fill out was whether or not we would change her name. It was the last piece of paper we filled out. We wrestled with this idea of changing her name for as long as we could until they had to have the paperwork back. In my heart I desired very badly to change her name and give her a fresh start in every area. On the outside, it seemed kind of weird to both of us. She was 6 years old, already had an identity in her old name, friends at school, biological family she would still get to see. What in the world would people think? I had a friend over one day and told her how I was feeling and the different thoughts we’d had. I mentioned that we had pretty much decided to keep her name the same because it was the right thing to do. She flat out said, “You need to change her name. Just do it.” She told me she thought God was trying to give me the desire of my heart and I was getting in the way. Immediately my mind was led to Psalm 37:3-5 which says, “Trust in the Lord and do what is good; dwell in the land and live securely. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.” After that I told Nate that I thought this was what we were supposed to do and we needed to talk to 'A' about it. When we did, ‘A’ immediately said yes, I want to change my name and I love the name Avery (which was the new name we had suggested and wanted to give her). She never once waivered from that first reaction and has done incredible with the adjustment to her new name. It was as if a weight had been lifted from her and she could now have a new name with a new family and it was an amazing thing for her. For her and for us, changing her name was absolutely the right thing to do and it was an amazing gift God gave us during this transition. And yes, some people do think we’re crazy but we are just learning that it comes with being foster parents. :)

March 13, 2013, we officially welcomed into our family Avery Grace Wykle!
 

 

She has been with us since September of 2011, so I honestly wasn’t sure if I would ‘feel’ different or if she would feel different just because we went in front of a judge and signed a piece of paper (well several papers actually). But it ended up being a very big deal and we all feel different. She went from calling us Mom and Dad 50% of the time to 100% of the time like a switch went off in her heart. For her, it was a huge deal. She could identify herself as Avery Wykle now and identify us as her Mom and Dad, and that has really made a huge difference in her overall demeanor and her behavior. Max now calls her his sister, which before she was given the title of ‘foster sister’. She refers to Max and Mya as her brother and sister. She was even so excited because now she gets to go to the same dentist that they do. :) Weird, I know, but she has a complete sense of belonging now and no more wondering about where she’ll be in a month or year from now. We had our extended family there at the court hearing as well as 3 of her biological siblings. We just had an awesome day celebrating. When we got home her exact words were, “I LOVE adoption day!” It didn’t hurt that she got lots of gifts, too. :)


 

I would love to say that everything has been perfect the last 18 months, but it definitely has not. I spent the first 12 months building an emotional wall in my heart, telling myself this little girl is not my child, she has a mom, she will more than likely go home - but I will fully love her and take care of her in a sacrificial way because I know without a doubt this child was handpicked by God to be in our home. So once termination of her biological parents’ rights happened and all the appeals had gone through, we were left with the decision to adopt her or not adopt her. I had obviously thought about this for a while but it was now reality. There was really no doubt in either my heart or my husband’s that she was going to be our daughter forever. She is an amazing little girl and our bio kids don’t know life without her. Our extended family has accepted her as their own more than I could have dreamed.

I do want to share in complete humility the struggles I have had in my own heart with attaching to Avery. On the outside I see her as my daughter. She IS my daughter. I meet all her needs physically and try to emotionally. But on the inside I am still struggling to attach fully to her. I don’t know how to describe it exactly but I have this built-in love and grace for my bio kids that I just plain don’t have for her….yet. I know that God is big enough and powerful enough to give me the desire of my heart and place that unconditional love for her in me, but it just hasn’t happened yet. My prayer is over time this will naturally happen. I write this because sometimes people can look at a picture of a family who has adopted or see them out and about and think things are perfect. I don’t want people thinking of adopting or fostering to have unrealistic expectations of fuzzy, warm feelings towards a child you’re adopting. Some people absolutely do have that and not all situations are the same. But the more I talk to adoptive moms, the more I am finding that the feelings I struggle with are the same ones they struggle with. And for whatever reasons, dads don’t struggle with this as much. Nate and her have an amazing relationship already. I also know if I only obeyed God when I felt like it, I would probably not be doing much obeying. Just because I don’t always ‘feel’ love towards her does not mean I am wrong or that we made the wrong choice. I simply have to surrender every single day to God and His design of me and of her and trust that He alone is going to do a transforming work in our bond. She is my forever daughter and she was handpicked for our family just the same way our biological kids were knitted together in my womb. We have an unbelievable opportunity to raise this little girl as our own and give her hope of a new life that she would not have had before. Not a life of wordly things but a new life of being able to teach her about the One True God.

I could never have imagined in a million years that when that little brown eyed girl walked in our door in September of 2011 that I would someday become her forever mom. I have so many hopes and dreams for her, but the verse that I pray over all my kids is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind,” Matthew 22:37. My prayer is she will love God with every fiber in her and be a voice of hope someday for other kids in her situation. The night of her adoption Nate was putting her to bed and she asked him why we became foster parents. He explained to her the best he could and then she asked, “Well, why aren’t other people foster parents?” He said he wasn’t sure, and she said “Well, that was really nice of you to want to do that.” :)  He then told her that maybe someday God would use her to be a foster parent and help kids. We are beyond blessed that God has allowed us to be a part of his humongous God story and we pray our lives will be marked with obedience. We would both love to be foster parents until we’re 80 years old, but more than that, we simply want to obey what God shows us as the next step.

Jenna

Foster Care ~ One Year Later

Last fall I asked a friend of mine, Jenna, to write a post about her and her husband’s experience as they entered the world of being licensed foster care parents (you can read that post HERE). At the time, they had only been licensed for 4 months, and although they were new and green, God was already teaching them so much about His heart for orphans. Today marks exactly 1 year of the day their first placements walked in their front door. I asked Jenna to write another post so that we can all get a glimpse into what their past year has looked like as first-time foster care parents. Here is the update….in Jenna’s words…..

One year ago today, I received a phone call at about 11:00am telling me there was a sibling group of 4 that needed an emergency placement. The lady on the other end said, “Don’t worry, you can just choose 2 if you’d like.” At the time our own kids were 3 years and 9 months old, so we decided to take the 7-year-old boy and the 4 year-old girl. My heart was pounding and I couldn’t believe I just told this lady yes! This had been something we had thought about during our whole pregnancy with Mya and in my mind was still in the future. It suddenly became REAL. About 3 hours later the doorbell rang and in walked two brown eyed kids, looking so afraid and in need of haircuts and baths real bad. And so began our journey into the world of foster care.

SO much has happened since that day that it’s hard for me to narrow it down and put it all into words. I first want to start by saying GOD IS GOOD! I knew I served a God that was big, but I don’t think I really understood that…and sometimes still don’t…until we laid down our lives and said yes to Him. I can remember sitting in church a while back and hearing one of our pastors talk about how their foster kids were moving to Texas with relatives and how hard that was - but he didn’t want that to stop anyone from doing foster care. I can clearly remember sitting there thinking, “There is no way I could ever do that.” And I was right. “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Psalm 55:22. So far on this journey, the times I try to do this in my own strength, I fail. I want to pull my hair out and wonder what in the world we were thinking. But when I go back to Truth and the promises that God will sustain me and His purposes are great and perfect, I can go on. My hope is not in my abilities, but in His promises and in His strength.

Anyone who knows me knows what an emotional person I am. I didn’t want to do foster care because I didn’t think I could possibly go through the heartache of attaching to a child and then letting them go. To add to that, I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ my own kids and take away from our family. To be completely honest, these are fears I still had when I said yes to the lady on the phone a year ago. We didn’t wait to ‘feel’ fantastic about the decision we made or wait until WE thought it was right. Scripture is so clear on what our role is as Christians when it comes to taking care of orphans. James 1:27 ~ “Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows IN THEIR DISTRESS and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” Psalm 82:3 ~ “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and oppressed.” So we said yes because we could not avoid the truth that we are his hands and feet and in this age, foster care is a practical way to lay down my life for God’s bigger picture (1 John 3:16). Our fears were unfounded and not from God. We have in no way ruined our children. We have added to our family, not taken away. Our son uses the term ‘foster mom’ like he knows what that means. It’s normal for them and they love having new people at our house.

Another truth God has been showing me is that my kids are no more important to Him than children who don’t have parents and children who are in these horrible situations because of the foolish choices their parents have made. He created them and loves them, just like he does my kids. It’s not a ‘my kids versus our foster kids’ situation. We are a family and we have included these kids into our family, just like Christ did for us when we become one of his children.

So what has the last year looked like practically? Well, “J” who is now 8 years old, walked in our front door looking like a stereotypical orphan. He had zero confidence in himself. He didn’t trust ANYONE. Hoarding was a way of life for him. He craved and requested any fresh fruit or vegetable he could get, which was crazy to me because Max, my son, only requested chips and apple juice. I’ll never forget the first night when we said it was bed time. They both looked at us like we were nuts and couldn’t believe they had a set bed time. “J” has had the most emotional damage and continues to have a long road of healing ahead of him. About a month ago, after months of praying and different situations, “J” moved in with another foster family to be with his oldest brother. So we had to experience our first goodbye. I would be lying through my teeth if I said that was anything but HARD. We had come to love this boy so much. He drove us nuts at times, but we had invested a lot into him and he had grown SO much. He gained so much confidence in himself and started to take pride in what God had given him and was understanding the gospel and loved to read his Bible and go to church. He went up 10 reading levels in first grade. For the first time, he had a structured home with a bed time and 3 meals a day. And if he could have it his way he would literally eat all day :)  I’ll admit, as I was packing his room up I was a complete disaster. The kid who I was afraid to let into my house, I suddenly didn’t want to see him go. Where I once had fears my own kids would feel neglected, I was now fearful they would miss “J” too much and wouldn’t understand why he was leaving. In the coming days I found so much peace knowing that Nate was still going to meet with him a couple times a month and that God had allowed us to share truth with him and that God is the one who saves souls, not us. We had been obedient to this one child and now I had to let him go and trust that God’s plan for him is going to be more than I could have imagined myself. He will always be a part of this family and we will always pray for him!

“A” is now 5 and is still with us. It’s hard for me to even call her a foster child anymore because she is such a part of our family. She was the favorite child in her former house of 4 other boys and she knew it. She had been taught that if she threw a fit, she would get her way. So teaching her different behavior has been very challenging, but she is a completely different little girl today than a year ago. She still tries to throw fits to get her way, but will usually stop when she quickly realizes that it won’t work :)  She is just starting to understand the gospel and the very simple truth that God is ALWAYS with her and she does not have to be afraid. God is still writing the story in the lives of these kids and what their future holds. We don’t know yet what will happen, but we know that God is in control and I have so much peace that the God of the universe is in control of their lives and our family. "Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the Lord’s decree will prevail." ~ Proverbs 19:21.  Deuteronomy 7:9 ~ "Know that Yahweh your God is God, the faithful God who keeps His gracious covenant loyalty for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commands."  We can do foster care because we serve the God who is. I can depend on Him on the really hard days and give thanks on the really awesome days. I don’t want to pretend that this is not difficult. It really is difficult. It’s hard to see such extreme brokenness and feel completely helpless. It’s hard to watch kids suffer because of choices their parents made. But I can look back on this last year and see how time and time again God was faithful. I can look back on days where I thought we were crazy and see that in fact, this is what obedience looks like. In their distress we chose to love and take care of these 2 kids and we will continue to do so. We have seen the need and we cannot turn our eyes from that.

The need in Story County alone is HUGE! Even if you got licensed and only did respite care for foster families needing a break, that would help. The body of Christ could easily meet and surpass this need and allow these kids to not only have a chance on this earth, but to have an eternal hope in Christ.

Thanks,
Jenna

*     *     *

As Jenna noted, if you live in the Ames, Iowa area there is a very HIGH demand for foster care homes right now. The licensed foster care families in our church are receiving many phone calls a week for placements. Another foster care family in our church, The McCollough’s, recently posed this thought –

Imagine the impact on our community, country, and the Kingdom if the church could step forward and provide every foster bed needed.

For that to progress from imagination to reality, more families need to become licensed for foster care. Why should believers in Jesus consider becoming a licensed foster care family? Tim McCollough, foster care dad in our church outlined the following reasons…

Because the State of Iowa will:
*Deliver the poor, abandoned, orphaned, abused, and/or needy to your doorstep.
*Expect you to care for them in their distress.
*Expect you to share your life with them.
*In most cases you have access to minster and serve their family as well.
*Pay you to do it.

Seriously, if you are a Christ-follower – this is a major ministry opportunity, let alone a command from God Himself. Children and families in our community are suffering in despair, searching in all the wrong places for peace and fulfillment, and are desperate for hope, for some good news, for a friend, for a role model. And many children, plain and simple - need a mom and a dad. Christ-followers, LET US be the ones to step in the gap and provide for these needs.

There are two offerings of the PS-MAPPs training sessions (foster care preparation classes required for licensing) scheduled in the Ames area in the near future. The 10 week sessions start:

-November 6, 2012
-March 13, 2013

The process to become licensed begins online at Iowa KidsNet. http://www.iowakidsnet.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=page.show&pageID=85

Guest Post on Foster Care ~ The Wykle's

You may have heard me talk about Jayla’s buddy, Max, a time or two here on the blog and on Facebook. This little friendship of 3-year olds has caused a bigger friendship to take root between me and Max’s mommy, Jenna. Earlier this year Jenna and I started having conversations about her and her husband’s heart for adoption. Over the past 6 months I watched as God led this couple to becoming foster care parents. This is a couple who has two tiny children at home and yet, they didn’t let that stop them from signing up to open their front door to strangers in need. This is a couple who is currently in between selling a home and waiting until the time is right to buy again. They didn’t let their temporary living quarters in a townhome hold them back from stepping forward in obedience to what God laid on their hearts. Over the summer they went through the 10 week course to become licensed foster care parents and now have their first placements! I have loved the heart-to-heart talks that Jenna and I have had about how differently you see things once God peels back the layers and confronts you with the needy lives of helpless, vulnerable children. God has personally been teaching Jenna and her husband so much through this adventure of becoming foster care parents. Though they are still new and green in the foster care world, I asked Jenna to write down some of her thoughts about their experience thus far so that we could all get a little glimpse into their adventure…..

My husband and I have been licensed foster care parents for a whole 4 months:) However, we got our first placements just a few weeks after receiving our license and in a very short time we have learned A LOT about God's heart for orphans and the challenges and victories we have seen in the foster care system. I haven't really had time to reflect on our experience, so this should be good to write it out.

First off, a little short back story to how we got to be foster parents. Since I was in high school I can remember feeling that someday I wanted to adopt. I would hear stories of orphans in other countries and my heart would be burdened for them. What started as a small feeling, God grew in me and eventually Nate (my husband) to put that compassion into action and obedience. The further I have grown in my walk with God, the heavier the burden to help orphans has grown and to simply say yes to Him and just obey. I didn't have all the answers...and still don't...but we just said yes to what he laid on our hearts. So after praying and following Nate's leading, we chose foster care over international adoption at this point. Even though I feel that some day we will adopt internationally, right now we are definitely where God wants us.

The fears we had starting out were very unfounded and most had to do with the unknown, because the unknown is very scary if we let it be. We wondered what our extended family would think. Some of them already thought we were a little crazy in our faith, so this would really throw them. We also were concerned about the effects it would have on our biological children. There are fears about getting a child that might hurt one of them or even us. There are fears about not knowing how to parent these 'troubled' kids when we are just learning how to raise our own kids. There are fears about what other people will think about us. So how did we get past these fears? After thinking this through, I see how far God has brought both of us in our faith. I can see that He truly is the one that is determining our course and He has protected us from Satan's attempts to throw us off course. Neither of us dwelled on our fears but rested in our faith. These are all the fear filled thoughts we had, but we didn't allow them to take over our minds or act on them, but instead let God determine the next step. So my answer to anyone who may be filled with lots of fears and trying to figure it all out is to rest in God and let Him guide you in your next step because He is so faithful and He absolutely will. I still have fears that creep in, but I don't let them stop me from obeying. Our God is bigger than our fears.

So right now we have a 7-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl that have been with us since September. I should also say we have a 3-year-old son, Max, and a 10-month-old daughter, Mya, that are our biological children. Every single day has been a learning experience for us. Overall, we couldn't have asked for a better first placement because these kids, despite their circumstances, are remarkable kids. They have fit well in our family and our son adores them both. Right there is one of the victories we have experienced. I know it probably won't always be this way with every placement we have, so I'm thankful that this has been the case this time. So saying that, I'll give you a glimpse of some of the top challenges we have faced.

1) LACK OF INFORMATION! I don't think I could say this enough times and the people closest to me are probably sick of me saying it:) It's very hard to get information on the parents' status, how long the kids will be here, when we go to court next, what happens if the parents don't do what they need to do, et cetera. And since this is our first placement, I really don’t know if this is normal or not, but this has been our experience so far. I do have a ton of compassion for the social workers because I know they are very overworked and are doing their best, but it is still hard to not have any idea how long the kids will be with us or what the probable outcome will be. Especially since the kids are old enough and they ask us these questions. This is an area of learning to rely on God's timing and knowing I really don’t NEED to know every fine detail but to just keep on going.

2) DISCIPLINE. This is a pretty major one for us. The tendency is to want to discipline them the way you would your own kids. The only problem with that is your kids (or at least ours) haven't come from a background anywhere close to foster kids. They haven't experienced neglect, abandonment, abuse, drugs, alcohol, violence, or anything remotely close to what potential foster kids could have gone through. So what may work with your children will most likely not work with foster kids. Another angle is during your licensing classes they suggest taking things away from the foster kids as a form of punishment. That sounds great in theory, but we have found that our foster kids don't value anything. And I feel that our current placements are a very, very mild case. I can only imagine that the more severe the children's behaviors and backgrounds might be, the worse this would be. They have very selfish hearts and like to 'hoard' a lot of things, but they don't value any ONE thing to take it away. So we are still trying to figure out the most effective tools for discipline and doing more training on that.

So those are probably my top 2 challenges we have been faced with so far. Now let me tell you that is nowhere near all of them, but I could probably write a whole book on them.

I'll just briefly share some of the heart challenges I specifically have been dealing with. I'm sure my husband would have totally different ones and I know everyone in similar situations can attest to different personal challenges, but here are some of mine: Probably the biggest heart issue I have had to deal with is my own selfishness. I never realized how extremely selfish I was with pretty much everything God has given me. My time....it requires a lot of time to take care of kids in general, but these are kids who need extra attention, extra love, extra patience, extra everything. It's exhausting. Yet SO worth it. I'm selfish with the time I want with just 'my' kids. There are days I just want to snuggle with my two kids and no one else. I have to realize 'my' kids belong to God and He gave them to me as a gift and we are teaching our kids what it looks like to help those in need and open up our hearts and lives to help other people. That's huge. Every possible area of my life that I could feel selfish with, I have. I know selfishness is something we all have somewhat of a struggle with, but I never knew to what extent I struggled with it. So that is a daily thing God has asked me to lay down so these kids can have hope and a chance in life. Someone said (and maybe it was you, Janel) that opening up your home is like looking in a mirror and it's so true. You lose your idea of 'a perfect little family' but saying all that, I have never seen God work so much in my heart and in our family than what He is doing right now.

One word Nate and I use a lot is PERSPECTIVE. It's so easy to lose perspective on why we are doing this. It's easy to get bogged down with the daily tasks of having 4 very needy children in your home. But we are doing this because we are called to take care of orphans and lay down our lives for our brothers. We know what self sacrifice looks like now. This is not easy. I think one reason God calls us to do 'radical' things is because there is absolutely no way I could do this on my own strength. I HAVE to abide in Him to get through the day. It is completely by Him that I am able to get up in the morning and take care of 4 kids...2 of which are not mine and being completely honest, there are days I'm not sure I even like them, let alone love them. But because this is where God is, I can love them, I can care for them, and I can provide the loving, nurturing home they need. We are doing this to give hope where there is none and to simply be obedient. Usually God provides 'perspective moments' for me throughout my day. When one of the foster kids tells me that Christmas is really about Jesus' birth and Easter is about Jesus' death and resurrection, that's perspective for me. When the other one says that she knows she doesn't have to be scared anymore because she now knows Jesus is always with her, that's perspective for me. And these are coming from mouths that have never been to church before. It's hard work, but the seed has been planted in two people's lives that no matter what their circumstances are, Satan can never take that seed away. Our prayer is God will water it and let it grow. And it's all because we said yes.

Sometimes it's easy to focus on the negative parts of foster care and adoption because that's kind of natural for us. However, I don't want anyone to read this and think that this sounds horrible and way too hard to do. It's hard, it's crazy, it's challenging, it's uncomfortable, it's awkward, it's not human nature, but it is sooo God. He meets us where we need it the most and He works THROUGH us. I can't love these kids on my own, but I can with His strength. Foster kids NEED to be in Christian homes learning about the hope that is possible for them and learning truth. I have this sense of peace and drive to help these kids and their families to know Jesus. It's addicting to say the least. My challenge is for other believers to just say yes to laying down your life for those in need.

For more information on becoming a licensed foster care parent in Iowa visit http://www.iakids.org/